No I did not read the article on today's Hindu, or The Hindu. I was never one to read newspapers. (pauses for gasp). Well, it takes all sorts to make this world!! Fine. Sue me. But if you find another soul who diligently reads every single letter on the "kappalandi pothinju konduvanna kadalaasu", I will eat three gulab jamuns.(Am on a new diet.)
But I did read the headline, something about how dowry is not abolished, that it has just changed forms. I thought it was very important to post on the blog, my blog, that noone ever reads, except perhaps those who accidently stumble upon it due to creative search phrases...er..I meant, post on this blog my views on the topic.
This is not a critical view of the system prelevant in India. Infact am ignoring the masses who actually face the problem of dowry and concentrate on lives of people like me. heck, am going to concentrate on me.
As happens to single, unemployed plain looking fat girls, I am also tortured into, blackmailed into(emotionally) a marriage, given I give the impression of being this absolutely useful PhD wannabe who doesn't know what she wants. My profile is on Kerala matrimony, and I must say, given all this, it is quite fun womakoing grooms with your mom. Prospective grooms, that is.
What is dowry? or rather, What is not dowry? Dowry, if we are talking about the kind they all are screaming to abolish is different from the unnamed phenomenon which happens in families in a subtle manner in only one aspect. The absence of a whimpering father and a weeping mother at the wedding stage. In due course of time, dowry will be taken and dowry will be given, only it will be under a different name, or no name.
Now. We have to present the girl decently for her wedding right? I mean, she is so and so's grand daughter, she can't appear in public without a decent amount of jewellery! No No it is not dowry, we are giving it to her wonly! Our lil baby! Daddy's precious girl! Arey it is a custom almost a religious ceremony to send off the bride in a new car! What bhaisaab how is it dowry! She will be driving it no! Ah first visit to the daughter's house! Call a lorry, buy Ann's bakery, load the stuff into it!" what are you saying, it is my daughter's sister in law's brother's littly baby! we gotta get those tiny little anklets,how can we visit empty handed! Aah, it is jamaiji's pitaji's 60th birthday! Golden ring, nothing else will do. Flat's downpayment is 80 lakhs. Surely you can count on us molu!
Well, either pay it all at one go, or pay in installments. If you have a child, a girl child, then by Indian standards, you have to pay dowry.
It is a subtle concept, so subtle and interwoven into conduct and tradition that it is actually glorified, and the evil is deeprooted, it is futile to think of uprooting it. I used to argue that, well, the groom's family is equally responsible for the above mentioned expenses. But is that so? I am not sure.
Is it actually necessary, the way Indian parents are tied up to their children for life? Well, what do I know of the practices in other countries? With my thorough knowledge on sitcoms and relatively rich experience in watching a lot of movies, I do believe I am eligible to comment on the western culture. Don't they ..hmm how else to put this- let go their children after a certain age? The lives becomes separated, not interwined. They help each other, not depend on each other and continue to suck the resources out. (harsh, you think?)
Dowry is not something that can be abolished. It is there, it is a part of our social structure that a complete radical change in the entire system is necessary for it to disappear. Maybe when we become parents, we will value our freedom and respect our children's as well, maybe we will succeed in abolishing it.
Until then, I'll rather opt out of a costly MBA, and settle for a second hand car, to be compensated for in my wedding.
But I did read the headline, something about how dowry is not abolished, that it has just changed forms. I thought it was very important to post on the blog, my blog, that noone ever reads, except perhaps those who accidently stumble upon it due to creative search phrases...er..I meant, post on this blog my views on the topic.
This is not a critical view of the system prelevant in India. Infact am ignoring the masses who actually face the problem of dowry and concentrate on lives of people like me. heck, am going to concentrate on me.
As happens to single, unemployed plain looking fat girls, I am also tortured into, blackmailed into(emotionally) a marriage, given I give the impression of being this absolutely useful PhD wannabe who doesn't know what she wants. My profile is on Kerala matrimony, and I must say, given all this, it is quite fun womakoing grooms with your mom. Prospective grooms, that is.
What is dowry? or rather, What is not dowry? Dowry, if we are talking about the kind they all are screaming to abolish is different from the unnamed phenomenon which happens in families in a subtle manner in only one aspect. The absence of a whimpering father and a weeping mother at the wedding stage. In due course of time, dowry will be taken and dowry will be given, only it will be under a different name, or no name.
Now. We have to present the girl decently for her wedding right? I mean, she is so and so's grand daughter, she can't appear in public without a decent amount of jewellery! No No it is not dowry, we are giving it to her wonly! Our lil baby! Daddy's precious girl! Arey it is a custom almost a religious ceremony to send off the bride in a new car! What bhaisaab how is it dowry! She will be driving it no! Ah first visit to the daughter's house! Call a lorry, buy Ann's bakery, load the stuff into it!" what are you saying, it is my daughter's sister in law's brother's littly baby! we gotta get those tiny little anklets,how can we visit empty handed! Aah, it is jamaiji's pitaji's 60th birthday! Golden ring, nothing else will do. Flat's downpayment is 80 lakhs. Surely you can count on us molu!
Well, either pay it all at one go, or pay in installments. If you have a child, a girl child, then by Indian standards, you have to pay dowry.
It is a subtle concept, so subtle and interwoven into conduct and tradition that it is actually glorified, and the evil is deeprooted, it is futile to think of uprooting it. I used to argue that, well, the groom's family is equally responsible for the above mentioned expenses. But is that so? I am not sure.
Is it actually necessary, the way Indian parents are tied up to their children for life? Well, what do I know of the practices in other countries? With my thorough knowledge on sitcoms and relatively rich experience in watching a lot of movies, I do believe I am eligible to comment on the western culture. Don't they ..hmm how else to put this- let go their children after a certain age? The lives becomes separated, not interwined. They help each other, not depend on each other and continue to suck the resources out. (harsh, you think?)
Dowry is not something that can be abolished. It is there, it is a part of our social structure that a complete radical change in the entire system is necessary for it to disappear. Maybe when we become parents, we will value our freedom and respect our children's as well, maybe we will succeed in abolishing it.
Until then, I'll rather opt out of a costly MBA, and settle for a second hand car, to be compensated for in my wedding.
7 comments:
Ahem. Beg to differ with the western family point of view. That's actually an undesirable extreme, what one sees in Friends.
What man after some years you become so fed up with your dad and mom that you consult each other wondering ki boss should I invite dad for my wedding? #localteapartyMode
On the other hand, if parents really cling on to you even after marriage it's kinda abnormal. Forget the pressure to have kids, everyone wants to play with kids and of course the parents know that they can only er.. lead a horse to the er.. water, and not make it.. ah you get it. Actually, the folks of that generation (parents, aunties, uncles etc) are relegated to the background when it comes to stuff like marriages, they turn the wheels while our generation group (we and cousins) has fun. Modern Indian family.
A reunion is actually nice, as chaotic as it seems.
Or maybe my current mental situation is such that I wanna be lost in the chaos of being in the midst of people I dont really know but am enjoying all the noise and arbit conversation. Some suburban landscape set amidst the lush plantain thoppukal of Tanjavur or along the temple-adorned banks of the Kaveri. You and the spouse take a break from all the hectic urban hectic life and succumb to the airiness of the soft spotless veshti and the lightly draped cotton saree. Listen to the birds chirp in the morning, and steal a lip kiss unseen amongst the newly harvested sugarcane fields and get back home with to the maamas and maamis just in time for a hot piping filter coffee.
ARR songs come to mind. :)
The parents of this generation are hard pressed with customs and tradition. True, a dowry has changed name and form but its still there. When I got married, I was asked. I refused. But that didn't prevent them from giving something or the other in various ways. Still figuring out how to stop them. It will take 2 decades and more to see some changes. By the time this generation is ready to marry off their kids.
I just got married two days back to my very mallu guy at Guruvayoor and I was the most underdressed mallu bride EVER. :D I had the least amount of gold on that is :P :P We (his and my side) split everything halfways and it was in no ways a small affair. My in-laws, even with the whole born and brought up in true Keralite spirit, are the most UN interfering people I have ever met. For me, born and brought up in Mumbai, with lets put this bluntly - very detached to family and all things related- this is a relief. Same goes for a lot of people I know who got married recently - the parents seem to be involved to some extent till marriage but they pretty much have their own set of small little activities to do after that. In the right amount, it makes it so good to have a family get together once in a while, then go back to your own places and chill for another six months. Works perfectly for all parties involved me thinks! :)
So yeah, happy to report that things are a-changin' :)
Cool post ! and totally true and well put.
@tux
I admit I went a little overboard with supporting the western culture, and that too based on my meagre knowledge. I guess I really don't know how the system is there, and conveniently quoting form prejudices was a grave mistake. Point noter Sir, and thanks to fatty too, who is a silent commentator of my blog.
Da njanoole don't make comments that are better than my post!
@Sajesh
I hope they give a lotta stuff, when festivals come up we can all benefit if you have a lotta money!:P
ok sorry couldn't help it, but yea..I think it is ust a part of our social structure. Changes varumonnu kandariyaam. Thanks a lot for commenting!!
@Annie
I replied on your blog!
@Anita
Cool as in dry and cold post?:P Thankyou btw!:)
yeah, when u try to talk sense into them they shoo you away saying "this is none of your business!!"
Whatay!
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